Happy Place
by TaliVarda100706
Summary: Story takes place right after the ending of 4x24 'Descent'. This story focuses mostly on Deeks and his thoughts as he's in that room with Sidorov after watching what they did to Sam. Later chapters will deal with the aftermath of Sam and Deeks' torture. Chapter 4 is UP!
1. Chapter 1

**Hi!**

**This is a little one-shot, inspired by the ending of 4x24, it focuses on Deeks' thoughts.**

**(I don't really go into detail about the torture stuff, but a warning seems appropriate: don't read if you can't handle it!)**

**Loved the episode as a whole but of course THE kiss was one of the best moments! The ending was very powerful too, watching Sam watch Deeks…Waiting till September is NOT gonna be fun.**

**Oh and am I the only one who wouldn't mind a man who 'communicates' like Deeks does? XD**

**Leave a review please; love to hear what you think:)**

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It's one of those days.

There are days that you just know you'll remember, probably for the rest of your life. It's because of the good things or bad things that happen on those days. Things that change your life, change you. Deeks is pretty sure today is one of those days.

He's had them before, those days. He can remember all of them, of course. There's the day when he was a kid and had his first surfing lesson. The day his father had hit him for the first time. The day Ray gave him a .38 revolver so that he could protect himself and his mother with it.

The day he shot his own father with that revolver.

Graduating high school, Law school, the Police Academy.

Meeting Tracy when he was undercover as Jason Wyler.

The day he got shot and Hetty told him his father was dead.

And then, there was today. The day he finally acted on his 'thing' with Kensi, the day he gave in to his senses and just kissed her, like he should've done a long time ago. But it is also the day he thinks might be his last one.

Deeks didn't know, when he got up this morning, that it would be one of those days. He didn't know a day like this was coming when he was talking to Kensi right before she had to leave for Iran.

'_Then say something you actually mean.'_

Deeks thinks about those words. He thinks about how he remained silent after Kensi said them. It wasn't because he didn't have anything to say, it's because he didn't know that moment was probably his last chance to say something he actually meant. Deeks wishes he had known, because there was so much he had to say to her.

_I'll miss you. I wish I could go with you, because if something happens to you and I'm not there, I'll never ever forgive myself. Please be safe, because I can't do all of this without you. You mean everything to me. _

_I love you._

Deeks is brought back to reality by excruciating pain, caused by the drill in his mouth. He knows the drilling only lasts a few seconds every time, but it seems like hours, days even, so insufferable is the pain that it causes.

Which is the point of torturing him that way, of course.

The drilling stops again, the pain doesn't though. Deeks opens his eyes and scans the room, instinctively searching for a way to escape even though the rational part of his brain knows there isn't one.

He can just barely make out Sam's form through the dirty windows before him. It's enough to fuel Deeks' fire again.

For a while anyway.

Seeing Sam makes him realize that he isn't alone in this hellhole. It also makes Deeks remember that it's not just for Sam that he can't tell Sidorov that Quinn's name is actually Michelle and that she's with the CIA. It's for Sam and Michelle and also for their kids. The kids Deeks himself met a few weeks ago, when he and Kensi volunteered to babysit. They were young and sweet and full of life; they don't deserve to lose their parents.

Because of that, he wants to keep his mouth shut, he really does. But as the amount of pain and the intensity of the torture increases, Deeks feels his resolve crumble a little bit. He is fighting an internal battle. Knowing that, if he tells the guys that captured them what they want to know, they'll probably kill Michelle. And Sam and him too, since they'll have gotten the piece of information they wanted and Sidorov won't need them anymore. On the other hand, there is the pain. And pain is a great motivator.

Deeks is pretty sure he screams when they use the drill again. It's hard to tell though; his heart is pounding so hard in his ears that he can't really register any other sounds. He's not sure how long he and Sam have been here, but at the moment it doesn't really matter because he needs to focus on not telling the sick bastards torturing him what they want to know.

There is only one solution, one word that his barely conscious, pain-filled, foggy mind can think of.

_Kensi._

_Just imagine it's Kensi and not Michelle who's the undercover agent. What would you do then?_

The answer to that question is so simple that he could've come up with it in his sleep.

Everything.

_Everything I can possibly do, everything that's needed to keep her safe._

That thought brings Deeks back to his childhood. To the days his father would get drunk every night before participating in his favorite sport: beating the crap out of his wife and son. When he was really young, he used to get scared when his father started drinking. When he got older, he was mostly just worried about his mother getting hurt; he was still scared, but protecting her seemed more important. He would start talking back at his father, taunting him so that the guy would focus on him instead of mom. It never failed to work.

He always was good at talking.

Deeks would get through it by focusing on this part of his mind that he referred to as his 'happy place'. His happy place was filled with all the things he loved and all the great memories he had, not that there were a lot of those, but it still worked for him. It would help him get through a beating without completely breaking down. Whenever he would be in pain, he would focus really hard on nothing but his happy place. So hard that he forced the memories to appear inside of his head. Most of them were about the beach and surfing. There were some good memories with his mother and with Ray. Deeks didn't know how it worked exactly, but it did, so he didn't question it. Right now, he thinks, maybe his happy place could be put to good use again.

Because there really is no way to escape this situation anymore. Deeks can't do anything but sit and get through it, so that is what he'll do. No matter how long it will last, no matter what they do to him. He has to take it, every denigrating comment, and every ounce of pain that they cause him.

Because telling them about Michelle isn't an option, it just isn't. So instead, Deeks tries to focus on getting to his happy place, because he knows from previous experience that it will help him get through this. Or at least, he hopes it will.

'Are you ready to talk now?' Sidorov's voice asks Deeks in a thick Russian accent, as the other guy walks to stand in front of Deeks to take the iron device, keeping him from shutting his mouth, out for a moment.

Deeks spits a mouthful of blood in the face of the guy in front of him, thinking that will probably help bring the message across.

'How's that for communication?' Deeks repeats the words he said to Kensi earlier that day and remembering that moment brings a little smile to his face.

He closes his eyes after that, preparing for the next wave of pain that he knows will hit him anytime now, as soon as Sidorov and his guy realize he's not going to answer the question this time either.

Deeks tries to shut out everything about this situation; the smell of the dirty little room, the sound of the drill and most importantly; the pain.

He soon discovers that the technique he used as a little boy still works. Deeks still feels the pain, and everything they do to him doesn't hurt less; it's more like the pain is somehow not as important as the thoughts and memories that occupy the happy place in his mind.

_Sitting on his partners couch, drinking beer and eating take-out, secretly watching Kensi from the corner of his eye, as she watches whatever cheesy chick flick happens to be on the television that night. _

_Giving his beautiful partner a surfing lesson, celebrating that they've successfully closed a case._

_The feeling of Kensi's warm, soft lips pressing against his._

_The smell of her, that seems to follow him everywhere he goes._

_Sunshine and gunpowder._

That is his happy place now.

* * *

**Don't really know why I wrote this but I just had to get it out, plus I really admire Deeks. The other's on the team don't give him enough credit imo. What did you think? :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello everybody!**

**I'm very sorry for not updating sooner after I finished school July 11th, I was almost finished writing this chapter and then I heard that Cory Monteith died. I was a huge admirer of his, so I didn't feel like writing for a while. **

**Anyway, thank for all the reviews/follows/favorites I got after last chapter, you guys are AWESOME!**

**This chapter is mostly about Kensi/Michelle.**

**Please feel free to leave a Review; I love to hear what people think about my writing :)**

* * *

By the time Kensi reaches the floor where Michelle and the Russian girls are supposed to be, she is almost out of breath. The adrenaline, coursing through her veins and making her heart beat faster than she ever thought possible, helps her ignore the pain in her legs and the burning sensation in her throat.

Kensi draws her weapon and carefully, trying her hardest to be quiet, makes her way to where she guesses Michelle is. Kensi can hear the sounds of a fight resonating through the nearly empty building. When Kensi gets closer and knows that the noise is coming from around the corner, she approaches with a great amount of caution, knowing a man like Sidorov wouldn't just let anybody work for him; These Russians are probably highly dangerous.

Kensi peeks around the corner before taking action. She fires two shots at Sidorov's women, but the bullets don't hit their intended target. It does, however, distract them from trying to kill Michelle and causes both of them to try and get away from Kensi.

'Michelle!'

Kensi's first instinct is to run after the Russians and not let them get away, but the moment she hears Michelle scream, a sound made by a person who's obviously in great danger, she pushes the thought away. Within a few seconds, Kensi is simultaneously holstering her weapon and running towards the edge of the building. Michelle is still hanging on to a piece of plastic. Quickly lying down on her stomach, Kensi reaches for Michelle's hand with one of her own. Her fingers close around Michelle's wrist and Kensi immediately begins to help with pulling Michelle up.

'Come on,' Kensi says through gritted teeth, more to herself than to Michelle. A few scary seconds later, Kensi finally has pulled Michelle up enough for her to be able to climb back over the edge she initially fell over.

'You okay?' Kensi asks, trying to catch her breath.

Michelle just nods and struggles to get up as fast as possible. 'The Russians,' she pants, 'we need to get them.'

Kensi knows Michelle is right; If they let them get away, Sidorov will get a full debrief of the events and he will know that Michelle, or_ Quinn_, is not who she pretends to be.

'I got Michelle but the Russians got away; they ran off in the direction of the west end of the building,' Kensi quickly gets the people back at Ops up to date.

'Kensi, there are no elevators in that part of the building,' Eric replies almost right away, 'the only way for them to get down is if they took the stairs.'

'If there's no elevator there, maybe we can still catch them,' Kensi thinks out loud.

'One of them was in pain; they will have a hard time getting down the stairs,' Michelle ads.

'Go down with the elevator Michelle came up with; maybe then you'll be able to catch them,' Kensi hears Eric say through her earpiece.

'Got it,' Kensi replies as she starts for the elevator, with Michelle following not far behind. It doesn't take the two women long to reach the elevator and for Kensi to hit the '0' button.

'Eric, do you have eyes on them?' Standing still in the elevator feels wrong to Kensi, like she's not doing everything she can to get down as fast as possible. It's making her impatient and restless which does nothing good for her nerves.

'That's a negative, no cameras in the staircases.'

'Let's hope they're not gone already,' Kensi mutters under her breath.

'That's not possible, they can't be that far ahead of us,' Michelle replies without looking at Kensi, keeping her eyes on the numbers that show which floors they are passing instead.

To Kensi, it feels like an hour has passed before they finally reach the ground, she draws her weapon and waits for the elevator doors to open.

They can see their targets as soon as the lift doors open. Kensi jumps out, gun pointed at the two women getting ready to drive away on their motorcycles. 'Federal agents! Get down on the ground!'

As expected, the Russians don't listen. One of them tries to get away as fast as she can, while the other draws her firearm and points it at Kensi.

In a reflex, Kensi pulls the trigger. Once, twice, three times does a bullet leave her gun only to hit its target less than a second later. Her attention then shifts towards the second woman, who has just started the motorcycle and is starting to drive away. With a few well aimed shots, Kensi shoots some holes in the tires, causing the bike to crash.

Not wasting any time, Kensi sprints towards the Russian woman now lying on the ground, about forty feet away from her. When she approaches, it becomes clear that they can return to Ops with at least one of the Russians alive, because the woman is moving, trying to get up.

'The other one is dead,' Michelle's voice informs Kensi from behind her.

'This one's not.' Kensi says, keeping her gun pointed at the woman, who rolled onto her back and stilled her movements the moment she saw the gun pointed at her chest. Michelle moves into Kensi's line of sight as she approaches the Russian to search her clothes for weapons. When Michelle is done, Kensi tosses her a pair of handcuffs to put on their prisoner.

When everything is safe, Kensi informs the team back at Ops. 'I got Michelle, she's okay. We have one of Siderov's girls in handcuffs, the other one is dead.'

'Good work Ms. Blye,' Hetty's voice says in Kensi's ear.'

'So what do we do now?' Kensi asks her boss while she watches Michelle pull their prisoner up to her feet and then look over at Kensi, waiting for the information on how to proceed.

'Come back to the Mission and take the prisoner with you Ms. Blye,' now it's assistant-director Granger speaking in her ear, 'we can't afford to lose time. And bring Mrs. Hanna with you; we have some things we need to discuss.'

Kensi frowns, a little bit confused by Granger's cryptic words and opens her mouth to ask what's going on when Michelle asks her: 'What's the word on Sam?' So that's the question Kensi asks instead.

Hetty wants to give her agent a partly reassuring answer, so Kensi will focus on her job and not get distracted by the fact that her teammates are missing. She hesitates a second too long before saying: 'we are not entirely sure.'

Kensi of course wouldn't be Kensi if she didn't pick up on the slight hesitation. That, combined with the casual sounding answer, sets off warning bells.

'What do you mean, _you're not sure?_' Kensi is suddenly hit with a wave of emotions that wash over her and make it hard to think about anything else. Next to her, Kensi can see Michelle tensing up in reaction to the fear and worry that is evident in Kensi's voice.

Back at the Operations Centre, Hetty exchanges a look with Granger before deciding that telling the truth would be best right now. 'We lost contact with both Mr. Hanna and Mr. Deeks, Ms. Blye. We need you two to come back as soon as possible.'

'How...Wha-… Can't you trace their phones and figure out where they are?' Kensi tries to calm herself down, to distance herself from her emotions so that she can think properly. Which of course she doesn't succeed in completely. She feels nauseous thinking about her teammates, _her partner_, in the hands of Sidorov and his men.

'I already tried that Kensi, but their phones don't work, Deeks left his car at the house so there's no point in trying to track them down via GPS… there's nothing else I can do right now, I'm sorry,' Eric tells her.

'Okay,' Kensi breathes in and out a couple of times, getting back into agent-mode. 'Okay, we'll be there in 30,' she tells them before breaking the connection.

Kensi looks up and answers Michelle's unspoken question. 'They lost contact with Sam and Deeks and now they can't find them. We are supposed to take her,' Kensi points at the handcuffed Russian woman, 'and get back to Ops.'

Michelle doesn't say anything. She nods once and then hurries to get in the car with their prisoner. Kensi herself runs to her motorcycle.

It takes a good thirty minutes to get back to the rest of the team back at Ops. Kensi arrives there first, with Michelle following not far behind. They lock up the Russian woman, before running upstairs to the Operations Centre.

'Have you found them Hetty?' Kensi asks as she and Michelle practically storm in the room. Eric and Nell are behind the computers, typing so fast one would think their lives depended on it.

_Maybe not theirs, _Kensi thinks to herself, _but Sam and Deeks' lives certainly do. _Once again the familiar mix of fear, worry and anger consumes her for a moment.

'We have been trying to locate them,' it's Granger who answers as he turns around to face the two women walking through the door.

'That is not an answer to the question she asked,' Michelle replies coldly and Kensi can't help but admire the other woman for her ability to keep calm in a situation like this. Michelle directs her next question at Hetty. 'What happened?'

'The last contact we had with either of them was about an hour ago,' Hetty starts explaining the events, 'Mr. Deeks told us that Mr. Hanna was in trouble and that he was going in. We lost audio and visual contact with Mr. Deeks not long after that. By the time Mr. Callen arrived, they were both gone and Mr. Deeks car was still there.'

'Where is Callen now?' Kensi noticed that the team leader is not there.

'In the boatshed with the Chameleon,' Hetty says and Kensi notices the dark tone in her voice, 'we suspect he informed Sidorov of Sam's identity.'

'Is there any way to find out where Sam and Deeks are?' Kensi asks no one in particular.

'There are no electronic devices we can track,' Eric says, clearly frustrated.

'If Sidorov knows Sam is an Agent, he'll want to know if there are more people undercover,' Michelle says slowly. 'He'll need a place that is big enough to bring prisoners without being noticed.'

'We are searching for any properties Sidorov or his men might own, but so far nothing,' Nell speaks while keeping her eyes focused on her computer screen.

Kensi sighs and rubs her face with one of her hands, not liking the fact that she's standing still, that she can do nothing to get her partner back to her as soon as possible. But she can't think about Deeks right now, she needs to bury her feeling and focus, no matter how hard that is for her. Then, an idea pops into her head.

'Do you think the Russian girl knows where Sidorov would take his prisoners?' Kensi asks Michelle, since she is the expert when it comes to Sidorov and the way he operates.

'Maybe, but getting her to talk won't be easy.' Michelle doesn't seem to optimistic.

'Well,' Hetty says to Kensi and Michelle, 'I think that if anyone can get her to talk, it's you two.'

'We need some information about her,' Michelle says, frowning. 'We need to know where she's vulnerable.'

'I have info about both of them, if you give me a sec I'll send it to your phone Kensi… done.' Eric is done within thirty seconds and it's not for the first time that Kensi feels grateful for the amazing technical support they have at the OSP.

'Let's go,' Kensi says to Michelle.

* * *

**I hope I didn't disappoint you guys ;) Next chapter is already partly written and I can tell you that it'll be about Sam and Deeks getting rescued! **

**And do any of you also follow the NCIS: LA cast on twitter? They've already posted some pretty cool pictures of filming of S5 and I'm SO excited!**


	3. Chapter 3

**So I'll start by apologizing for the delay in updating. I was planning on writing a lot during my summer off, but I'm suffering from a severe case of writers block and it's pissing me off but there ain't much I can do about it.**

**Thanks for all the follows/views/reviews etc! ILY GUYS :P**

**I'd love it if you could leave a review. I really want to improve my writing, especially because English is not my first language, so maybe you can tell me what parts you like/don't like?**

**Oh and of course congrats to Eric and Sarah with their baby boy! I really like that name, Wyatt, it sounds really cool :)**

**ENJOY! (I hope)**

* * *

After an hour and a half, they finally get an idea of where Sidorov might have taken Sam and Deeks.

Kensi and Michelle figured that Sidorov just hired the Russian woman to do a job and that she felt no loyalty towards Sidorov whatsoever.

And they were right.

That doesn't mean it was easy to get the information they wanted though, since their prisoner was not very fond of law enforcement or government agencies to say the least. So it took some convincing but eventually Kensi and Michelle got a possible location; some old building in a warehouse district north of the city. 'You got an address for us?' Michelle asked, but they didn't get anything else from the woman.

So now they're back in Ops, trying to figure out where the missing members of the team are. Eric and Nell are cross-referencing all the warehouses north of LA with Sidorovs name and known aliases. They all know it's a long-shot, but it's also the best chance they've got to find Sam and Deeks.

'This could take a while guys,' a clearly stressed out Eric tells the rest of them who are standing behind him and trying to look at his computer screen over his shoulder.

'Just do your best Mr. Beale,' Hetty tries to comfort the tech, but Kensi can see the concern for Sam and Deeks' safety in her eyes.

Callen chooses to storm in at that moment. 'What do we got?' He asks no one in specific.

'They might be in a warehouse,' Kensi informs the teamleader quickly. 'Eric is checking it out now.'

Hetty watches the senior field agent for a moment, debating whether or not she should ask about Callens confrontation with Janvier.

'Anything on your end Mr. Callen?' She eventually asks.

Callen huffs in frustration. 'No, he didn't spill anything and I doubt he ever will…'

'Got something!' Eric exclaims, still intently focused on his computer screen. 'I think… Yes. This building here is owned by someone whose name matches one of Sidorovs aliases.' Eric types something and then continues: 'I'm pulling up some footage from a surveillance camera down the street from this building. Give me a second and I'll put it on the big screen... now.'

The video feed is of poor quality. It's black and white and doesn't have a high resolution, but it's better than nothing.

'This is footage from after Sam and Deeks went missing,' Eric informs the rest of the group, who are all nervously looking at the screen, hoping and praying that this will give them some information on the whereabouts of their friends.

Eric fasts forward and for a few scary moments, there is hardly any activity on to be detected.

'There! Freeze it Eric.' Calllen steps forward so he can take a better look as the tech does as ordered.

Three vehicles, two cars and a small van seem to move down the street, away from where the camera is located.

'Ok, play it,' Callen says.

After a few hundred yards, the vehicles stop and doors open. The black and white images are very unclear but they can see people getting out of the two cars, about half a dozen of them. One of them though, is clearly a prisoner; the man's hands are bound behind his back and when he struggles to get free, one of the other guys pistol-whips him across the face.

Kensi can't stop the sharp intake of breath when she sees it, because even though the footage is in black and white and the people are far away from the camera, she recognizes him.

She would recognize her partner everywhere.

They all disappear inside the building where somebody apparently opens a door, because half a minute after the men went into the warehouse, the van drives into it and vanishes.

Eric stops the video without another word and for a second, nobody says anything. They are all trying to process what they've just seen.

'That was Deeks,' Kensi then chokes out, unable to keep her voice steady no matter how hard she tried to stay calm.

Callen nods, a little absentmindedly, while still staring at the big screen in front of him. 'But no sign of Sam.' Callen turns to Hetty: 'Do you think he was in that van?'

'That would be my guess Mr. Callen.' Hetty then gets into operations-manager mode. 'Mr. Beale, Ms. Jones: collect as much information about the property as possible.'

'On it,' Nell replies.

'We need a plan to get them out of there Hetty, ASAP,' Granger says quietly.

'Yes,' the little woman answers. She then turns to look at her team- what is left of it at least.

'Let's make one.'

* * *

Kensi hates waiting, mainly because it involves doing nothing. She's just too impatient and easily bored to wait for… anything really.

And now, at a time that waiting means that her friends have to spend more time with those dirt bags, she hates waiting the most. It's unbearable to think about the fact that they are _there_, practically within arm's reach, and she can't go to them.

They are parked somewhere near the backdoor of their target - the warehouse - and she's not the only one who's impatient.

Callen is in the passenger's seat, looking out the window and taking in his surroundings… that is, when he's not looking down at his watch to check the time, something Kensi notices him do every five seconds.

There are two other agents in the vehicle with them, who are obsessively checking their gear over and over again. It makes Kensi nervous, so she quickly looks away.

Michelle is behind the wheel. She's the only one who displays no nervous behavior. She just looks angry, which Kensi thinks is just her way of dealing with the stress of knowing that your husband has been made as a federal agent and is in the hands of a dangerous criminal. Although part of her anger might also be caused by Hetty and Grangers decision to not let Michelle actively participate in the rescue of Deeks and Sam. After all, Michelle is undercover in Sidorovs organization and they still have two nuclear bombs to find. It's for the best that she stays in the car when the rest of them goes into the building, but Michelle doesn't like it one bit.

'Is everyone in place?' Kensi hears Hetty ask in her earpiece. Both teams give a positive answer and then they are finally on the move.

Callen, Kensi and the two other agents quietly get out of the car and make their way to the backdoor, through which they will enter.

'Ready?' Callen asks the other three agents. They all nod, confirming that they're ok to go and Kensi grips her weapon a little tighter with both hands. Her fear for her teammates, although still present, has been mostly chased away by anger and determination as they enter the building.

They find themselves in a small room with a staircase and Callen points to the other two agents and then to the stairs. The agents give a quick nod, move up the stairs to clear the upper floor and are out of sight.

Callen shoots Kensi a brief look before opening the single door in front of them. They are supposed to clear this side of the building, wait for the upper floor to be cleared and then meet up with the other team before going down to the basement. They suspect that Deeks and Sam are held down there, if they're still here that is. The basement is probably completely soundproof. It would be the most logical place to keep them since Sidorov is probably trying to extract useful information from them…

_No, _Kensi tells herself. _Don't go there. Focus on getting them back, not on what those guys may or may not have done to them._ Callen then moves and there is no more time to think because her body follows him automatically.

They walk through a number of small rooms after that, but neither of those rooms holds anything of interest to them, most of them are old and dusty and, more importantly, they're empty. There's no sign of their missing teammates. Callen informs the other agents and the people back at Ops that they haven't seen anything interesting yet. Kensi hears the two agents that were sent upstairs by Callen, confirming that there's nothing on the upper floor either. Kensi hopes that this mean they were right about the fact that they'll find her Sam and Deeks in the basement of the abandoned building.

They hear a gunfire, a lot of shots are fired not far away from where they are and for a minute Callen and Kensi are on high alert, trying to move towards the sound as fast as humanly possible. Then, they hear another agent saying that they found three guys, standing in the garage by the van that was driven inside the building. They're dead.

Everything seems to move even faster after that. Kensi and Callen find the other agents next to the dead bodies of two of Sidorov's men. When they are complete, they go on to find the stairs that lead down to the basement underneath the building.

Quickly and quietly they move. There are more dusty rooms and corridors and Kensi feels like they're there for hours even though it is in fact only a couple of minutes. After a while, they can make out the sound of people talking and they stay as silent as they can. When they approach the sounds, Callen suddenly signals for them to stop and so they do. Callen glances around a corner and at the end of that hallway, there is a door with a window in it. More importantly however, there are two more of Sidorov's guys guarding the door. They do not seem to pay much attention though, they are smoking a cigarette and talking loudly. Callen turns to Kensi, who raises her eyebrows as a way of asking what is going on. He raises two fingers and then gestures for her to take care of the guy to the right, while he takes care of the guy at the left side. She nods in understanding and follows Callen when he steps around the corner and fires his gun.

One of the Russian guys falls to the ground immediately. Dead. Kensi manages to shoot 'her' guy in the shoulder, but he still manages to fire a couple of rounds, forcing her and Callen to take cover, before she unexpectedly shoots at her target and this time hits him in the chest.

She vaguely hears Callen tell Hetty two more guys are down and also asking if there are already ambulances on their way. Eric answers it'll take the paramedics at least five minutes to get there. Next thing Kensi knows, Callen opens the white door and as they step into the room behind it, she barely has time to process that the room is very white and also very brightly lit.

Callen yells Sam's name before Kensi even sees he's there and it makes her glad to think that at least they are in the right place and didn't waste time on searching for them in this building, while in reality they were located somewhere else. Callen runs towards his partner and gets help from one of the agents while the others stay alert and point their weapons towards the white double doors Kensi doesn't pay attention to right away because she's looking at Sam and he looks absolutely terrible. For a moment Kensi is glad to see he's awake, but then he looks at her and he looks at the doors in front of him and he seems so… scared. There is no other way to describe the look in Sam's eyes and it feels like someone is reaching inside her chest and squeezing her heart so tight that it hurts, because she's never seen that look in his eyes. And Kensi knows, even before she turns to look at the doors and sees the dark shadow of a man sitting in a chair, that her partner is there.

Kensi was scared out of her mind even before she entered the building and then she saw Sam and the condition he's in what made her even more afraid than she already was. But what she is feeling in this moment is worse, so much worse. Kensi is terrified of walking through those doors, but at the same time it's all she wants to do. Her heart is hammering in her chest, pumping blood through her body with almost painful force. Her stomach is tightening up and it makes her feel like she could throw up any minute.

As she approaches the doors, she can see _him_. Her partner. Her rock. The only constant in her always dangerous and unpredictable life. She can see that Deeks is chained to the chair and, more importantly, that his head is hanging down and his body is limp.

Lifeless.

Kensi looks through the glass windows of the doors and sees no one else but Deeks is in that room, so she opens the door and walks in. She can see that her hands, still holding her gun, are shaking as she tries to clear the room while simultaneously listening for a sign. A breath, a whisper, anything that will tell her that her partner is still alive.

The silence she is met with is deafening.

'Deeks?' Kensi mumbles while holstering her weapon and kneeling down in front of him, 'wake up.'

Kensi raises her hand, brining trembling fingers to his neck, trying to find a pulse and praying desperately for Deeks to be alive.

He is.

His pulse is slow, but pretty steady and for a few moments Kensi is consumed by the wave of relieve washing over her. She blinks rapidly a few times to get rid of the stinging tears that started forming in her eyes upon realizing that she hadn't lost her partner. The feelings of happiness and joy that dominate her mind for about a minute quickly evaporate when she calms down enough to take in his appearance.

He has a nasty cut and bruise on his left cheekbone and another cut on his nose that is definitely going to need some stitches, but the worst thing is the blood slowly dripping down his shirt. She looks a little closer and realizes that the blood is coming from his bruised mouth.

'How is he Kens?' Callens voice interrupts her thoughts and she looks over her shoulder shouting: 'he's alive but I need a medic here Callen!'

She doesn't listen to Callens answer, because she trusts him to get her that medic as soon as he possibly can and right now, her partner needs her attention.

'Deeks,' Kensi whispers again, one her hand working on the chains around his arms and the other one carefully lifting his chin. 'Please Deeks, please wake up.'

'Kens?'

It's a barely audible groan, but she recognizes her name in it, which fills her with joy… at first. Then, she almost gets even more worried than she was when Deeks was unconscious; the fact that he says nothing more than her name is unexpected. Normally he would've called her 'Fern' or 'princess. She expected Deeks to use one of his stupid nicknames like he always does or maybe say something clever, but by using just her name Deeks has increased Kensi's worry exponentially.

He must be in a lot of pain.

'I'm here. We're going to get you guys out of here.' Kensi whispers and she is incapable of stopping the single lonely tears that rolls down her face.

* * *

He's not sure what woke him up in the first place and for a second he actually thinks he might still be dreaming. The memories of where he is and why he is there return quickly though, just like the pain. That is what lets Deeks know he is definitely not dreaming. But before he can further think about the reason for his awakening his fuzzy brain registers some sounds and activity nearby and more importantly, he gets the feeling that there is another person in the room. He's confused because it doesn't seem to be somebody who wants to hurt him and for a moment he struggles to open his eyes so he can take a look at whoever is there with him. Before he succeeds, however, Deeks catches the scent that seems to surround this person and immediately relaxes.

_Sunshine and gunpowder._

It is undoubtedly Kensi who's there with him and that means that he is safe. It is only then that he hears her voice; she's softly calling his name. She sounds so worried, the fear in her voice evident even in his half-conscious state. Deeks wants to reassure her, because that's what he always does. In tense situations, he usually makes a little joke that Kensi pretends to find annoying even though he can always see that it puts a smile on her face. Deeks tries, he really tries to force himself to form some words but his entire head and body hurt so damn much that he eventually gives up and just says her name. Because for some strange reason, that seems to be the only word he can form, that doesn't seem to hurt him at all.

'Kens.'

The last things he registers are her reassuring words, her hands touching him and of course her wonderfully soothing smell.

_Sunshine,_ like during the early morning surfing-sessions he has loved ever since he was a kid.

And _gunpowder, _like in the weapons they use to have each other's back and protect one another every day, no matter what.

Then, everything goes black again.

* * *

**I CAN'T WAIT FOR SEASON 5! Sorry, I had to get that out ;) **

**And I really loved that whole 'sunshine and gunpowder' thing in S4, in case you couldn't already tell. It'll probably come back regularly in this story:P I'm just in love with the whole symbolism of it. Sunshine is light and life and all people love it and gunpowder is associated with weapons and danger and stuff… it's a very interesting and fitting way of describing Kensi.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi People!**

**As always: I love y'all for following/favoriting/reviewing this story!**

**I'm sooooo excited for S05E01! You Americans have no idea how lucky you are; I have to wait till Wednesday morning to watch it…**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

'There's no sign of him anywhere.'

'What do you mean "there's no sign of him"? There was even a camera, there must be something there!' Callens irritation and frustration are impossible to ignore but Eric tries to anyway, because he knows that Callen is stressed out and the angers is not directed towards him. Eric still hates this part of his job, today more than ever. He doesn't like to be the bearer of bad news and be the one to hear the disappointment in the voices of the field agents he is supposed to help.

'Look, I'm really sorry. Nell and I have tried everything, even though Sidorov probably didn't get much of a headstart; he still got away and we don't know where to begin looking for him.'

Callen sighs and rubs his face with one of his hands. 'Alright Eric, just let me know when you do find something.'

'Will do.'

They both hang up and Callen walks back to the waiting area of the hospital they're currently in, and have been for a while now.

Kensi and Michelle are both there too of course. Both woman are sitting on uncomfortable hospital chairs, seemingly deep in thought while they're waiting for somebody to come and tell them what's going on with Sam and Deeks.

Obviously Callen himself is feeling worried too. Two of his teammates were kidnapped and what he saw at the crime scene makes him think they were both also tortured. But as he returns to where Kensi and Michelle are sitting, he takes a moment to take a good look at his youngest team member, for the first time since they found Sam and Deeks.

Callen hadn't really realized how hard this whole situation was on Kensi. Sure Sam was wounded too, but at least they knew he was relatively OK; he was conscious when they found him - and had been awake ever since, even during the ride to the hospital. The still unknown nature of Deeks' injuries is much scarier, because that means there's no way of predicting what'll happen to him.

Callen knows that Kensi isn't a person who likes to do a whole lot of talking about emotions and stuff and to be fair, neither is he. But Callen does know that it will help her to know that she's not alone in this.

'There's no sign of him yet.' Callen informs both Kensi and Michelle when he's close enough. When Callen walks by her, she can feel him putting a hand on her shoulder and lightly squeezing it before taking the seat next to her.

'I don't understand how they got out in the first place,' Kensi says, directing that statement at Callen in the hope he may be able to give her an explanation.

'Sidorov plans everything very carefully,' Michelle answers instead of Callen. 'There's a reason he has never been caught doing anything illegal. He probably accounted for the possibility of them getting discovered in that building. He knew Sam was an agent and that people were most likely looking for him.'

Kensi nods while thinking this over, happy with the distraction it provides for her brain. Her thoughts have been messy and confusing ever since she arrived at the hospital with the ambulance with Deeks and her partner was taken away from her by some doctors and nurses. Kensi is not really sure she's ready to examine the emotions and reasons behind her emotional state just yet.

The fact that she doesn't have any knowledge about Deeks' physical condition is what has her the most frightened, because she doesn't know what kind of scenario she should prepare herself for. Apart from her name, Deeks said nothing else, not even during the ride to the hospital. He'd gone in and out of consciousness a few times, but even when his eyes had been kind of open, Kensi hadn't really felt like he was _awake_, so she hadn't gotten a chance to talk to her partner.

The paramedics too had been very vague with their answers to Kensi's questions even though she knew that they had to know more than they let on. The fact that they seemed hell bent on keeping any information from her, didn't seem like a particularly good sign and the only thing she knew for sure was that there had been blood coming out of Deeks' mouth when she'd found him…

Kensi suppresses a shiver and shakes her head a few times to stop herself from thinking about what those men did to her partner that had caused all that blood on his shirt to come from his mouth.

'You know, Sidorov will probably contact you shortly.' Callen speaks suddenly, causing Kensi to slightly jump at the sound of his voice. She looks at him, but Callens attention is focused on Michelle, who's sitting opposite of him.

'I'm counting on it,' Michelle nods.

'We need to make a plan for when he does, we need to be ready,' Callen says, still keeping his eyes on Michelle.

'I'll just play it angry when he calls.' Kensi notices the determined coming back in Michelle's eyes and replacing the one of worry. 'Two of his employees tried to kill me; I can say I got rid of both of them and fled. That'll give me every right to be mad at Sidorov and demand an explanation,' Michelle concludes while looking at Callen to see if he approves of her plan.

Callen nods, clearly agreeing with her.

'I'll let Hetty and Granger know,' Callen informs both women and then he gets up and walks away to make the phone call.

Kensi watches Callen as he moves down the hall until he turns a corner and is out of sight. With a sigh she goes back to studying the hospital floor.

'You Ok?'

Kensi looks up and sees Michelle looking at her a little bit strangely. There's worry evident in Michelle's eyes; for Sam, for Kensi, for this whole situation and a whole lot of other things. But there's something in the look Kensi receives from Michelle, something she can't quite put her finger on. _Pity, _Kensi thinks to herself. _No, it's not really pity, but for some reason she sympathizes with me… _Once again Kensi stops herself from thinking, instead she just gives Michelle her standard reply to the question.

'I'm fine.'

'Right,' Michelle says a little sarcastically, but she leaves the subject alone for the time being and then they're both silent for a while, both of them lost in their own thoughts.

'You know, Sam told me a little bit about what happened…' Michelle hesitantly breaks the silence again, her words making Kensi look up and focus her attention on the other woman.

'And?' Kensi can feel her heartbeat speeding up once again at the prospect of getting more information on the condition of her partner, but she doesn't want Michelle to see that weakness in her eyes, so Kensi averts her gaze and stares at the ground again.

Michelle hesitates, unsure about what she should tell, what she thinks Kensi can handle at the moment. It's clear to Michelle that Kensi is very worried about her partner and she really wants to reassure her that he's going to be okay. 'Sam told me Sidorov wanted to know if I was a federal agent as well… Just like we thought,' she says slowly while keeping her eyes on Kensi. 'And that they tried to get answers from him at first, but when he wouldn't give me up… They tried to extract the information from Detective Deeks.' Michelle sees the way Kensi tenses up at her words but still continues, because she thinks it's important for Kensi to hear the next part. 'Sam said that your partner didn't say anything, no matter how hard they tried to get him to talk… Now I don't know him very well, but I know do know Sidorov, and I know that it takes a lot of strength to stand up to him. your partner is a strong man agent Blye, he'll be fine.'

Kensi feels slightly better after hearing that from someone as well-trained and professional as Michelle, even though the words she spoke were probably just mend to make her feel better and weren't completely true. They do make Kensi feel like she is allowed to think that Deeks will get through this, that his injuries are minor, that he will heal and be back at work with her again. Kensi suddenly feels a lot of gratitude for Michelle, who is trying to cheer her up despite the fact that her husband is also in the hospital.

'Thank you,' Kensi just says, not trusting her voice enough to say any more. She knows that for Michelle a simple "thank you" is enough though.

* * *

It's not until almost two hours later, that Kensi hears her name being called by a tall man in blue scrubs. Michelle was called away to see Sam soon after they finished talking and not long after that Callen and Kensi herself had paid their colleague a visit. They hadn't been with Sam very long, because even though Sam's injuries had been less obvious than Deeks', they were serious. The fact that Sam had almost drowned right before getting tortured, made his body weaker than it would've normally been, though the doctor said Sam would make a full recovery. In Sam's case it was mostly a matter of resting and giving his body a chance to recover after the electric shocks he had been submitted to.

'Kensi Blye?'

'Yes,' Kensi jumps up at the sound of her name and quickly locates the direction from which it came. 'Yes, I'm Kensi Blye… How is he? Can I see him?' Kensi walks the few steps it takes to close the gap between her and the doctor so that she can shake his hand.

'I am doctor Scott, I treated Mr. Deeks' injuries and performed his surgery.' He pauses for a moment to shake Kensi's hand, but she just wished he'd hurry up and tell her what is wrong with her partner.

'What happened to him? Is he going to be OK?' Kensi manages to stay surprisingly calm while asking these questions, especially given the circumstances.

'First, let me say that I believe that physically Mr. Deeks will make a full recovery. There are always risks with surgery and anesthesia of course, but at the moment we have no reason to believe that he won't be able to recover from his injuries.'

Kensi lets out the breath that she held in and closes her eyes, allowing herself a small moment of weakness as she tries to will away the fear of the past hours and let in the relief and happiness instead.

What kind of injuries does he have? Why did he need surgery?'

Dr. Scott looks down at the papers in his hand, which Kensi presumes contain all the information on Deeks' condition. 'Well,' the doctor begins. 'He has a cracked rib and some bruising around that area, as well as some minor bruising on his arms and legs, probably from being beaten. Thankfully nothing serious, so all that needs is time. Mr. Deeks also has a broken cheekbone and a cut that needed a couple of stitches as well as a black eye and a cut on his nose that we had to close up with stitches…'

Kensi notices that the doctor seems to be hesitating about telling her something. Something that has probably to do with the reason Deeks needed surgery and the way Sidorov, according to Michelle and Sam, tried to get Deeks to talk about Michelle's real identity.

'I know there was blood coming from his mouth doctor,' Kensi says softly but firmly. 'I was the one who found him, chained to a chair. So please… Tell me what happened to my partner.' She puts on a brave face, trying to convince the doctor of the fact that she can handle it, whatever it is that she's about to hear, as much as herself.

'All right,' the doctor clears his throat and looks down at the papers in his hand once more. 'Your partner needed surgery to repair the damage done to his mouth and teeth. It's seems like whoever did this to your partner, has used a drill or something similar to cause the damage that has been done.'

Kensi feels as if her insides turn into ice and immediately wishes she could somehow erase that last piece of information from her memory. But the moment that thought emerges in her brain, Kensi realizes that this moment is one that will forever stay with her and there's no way of escaping that. So Kensi takes a deep breath and tries to force out every thought of someone destroying her partners beautiful wide smile. When she is once again calm and collected, she asks the doctor to bring her to Deeks.

Dr. Scott does as asked and leads Kensi through the hospital for a couple of minutes, before stopping outside a small room. 'I should prepare you a little bit for what you're about to see; Mr. Deeks is on a ventilator because we operated on his mouth and you never know how much swelling there's going to be. It's more a precaution than a necessity, but I still felt obligated to tell you.' Kensi just nods, appreciating the fact that the doctor recognizes that it may be difficult for her to see her partner like that. They then go into the room and Deeks' doctor shows her with which button she can call a nurse or doctor before saying someone will be checking on him shortly. Kensi thanks the doctor for everything he's done for Deeks and is then left alone in the room.

Kensi is hesitant when she walks towards Deeks' bed. Not because she doesn't want to be there but because with every step forward her view on his injuries gets better and better and she doesn't like it one bit.

She always teases him about still being a child, but while looking down on her sleeping partner, Kensi begins to slowly realize that she was wrong for doing so. In his current sleeping and drugged state, Deeks is as calm and relaxed as humanly possible and the innocence he radiates seems to hit Kensi in the face for some reason. Maybe that is because the contrast between this sleeping version of her partner and the one she works with every day is so enormous, it's like the difference between day and night. It's true that Deeks is always the one with the jokes. He smiles a lot and loves to make other people smile, especially her. But there's always something behind that façade, hiding beneath the surface. A certain seriousness and darkness that up until now Kensi has always been able to ignore, because he so rarely shows it. Kensi has seen it a few times, mostly after tough cases and every time she did, the depth of his pain and anger shocked her. Without taking her eyes off of Deeks, Kensi sits down next to her partner with a tired sigh and prays that she won't see that look in his eyes when he wakes up.

**So…. What did ya think? Good? Bad? Really bad? **

**Please leave a review and give your opinion… It only takes like 10s(give or takeXD) to write one, but getting a review makes my day :)**


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